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Marriage is the formal commitment to achieving that state of being. One of the greatest examples of intimacy is the story of renowned architect and philosopher, Buckminster Fuller. The bond between Fuller and his wife, Anne, was strong, so much so that many people commented on how in love they seemed to be. After being left alone for some time with his wife, his children re-entered the room to find Fuller in the same position.

Fuller had passed away, and within hours, Anne would join him. The idea that two people, who have loved each other for more than half a century, could transition from this life at the same time especially when one of them is perfectly healthy , is not a coincidence. There are many of these stories. To me, they are the truest and most beautiful examples of intimacy, where two people really have become one.

There is a wonderful scientific principle that demonstrates this idea perfectly. Automaker, Henry Ford, was looking to create a new method to document the measurements for the manufacture of auto parts in a way that was far more precise than anything available in the late 19th century. These ceramic or metal measuring blocks are precision-ground to such a fine degree that there are absolutely no irregularities on their perfectly straight surfaces.

Because of this, they can detect length differences as small as one ten-thousandth of an inch. To measure various lengths, the blocks cannot simply be placed one on top of the other. They have to be slid together. When this happens, there is less than one molecule of atmosphere between their ultra-flat, perfectly smooth surfaces! They are two and yet one at the same time. Measurements with gauge blocks need to be made quickly because the atoms within them are now in critical proximity. That means in a very short period of time, they will coalesce into one single piece of metal or ceramic.

This is intimacy. This is what it means to grind off all our misunderstandings, misidentifications and misinterpretations, and coalesce with God by returning to our essence.

Let me know what makes your emotional love tank feel full.

If we are to achieve this kind of intimacy in our relationships and have less than a molecule of atmosphere between our spirits, we must be able to achieve that on our own first. Because God is everywhere and in all things, you can choose to coalesce with God consciousness in many ways.


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We often lose ourselves in a beautiful walk in nature, during meditation, while dancing, or listening to music. As the ancient poet, Rumi said, it is in these moments that we remove all that is not loving about ourselves and converge with God, which is only love. The spiritual work we do on ourselves is the polish we place on the surface of our souls that will allow us to coalesce back into our loving essence, back into God and into the divinely satisfying intimate relationship with each other that we all crave.

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Why do these amazing stories about couples like Buckminster Fuller and his wife, Anne, always seem like the exception rather than the rule when it comes to relationships? In my present relationship my partner seems to need a lot of reassurance and validation, and as a result I crave more separateness and autonomy. Do you have any advice on how to create more of a balance? Conquering Shame and Codependency goes deeper into this dynamic.

One-Sided Love Relationship

Dear Darlene, this article was helpful! I took multiple tests and quizzes online and I got anxious-preoccupied for all of them. On the anxious scale I would always receive very high marks and low marks on the avoidance scale.


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Should I trust these results? I asked my girlfriend to take one of these tests and she got secure attachment. How should i try to make myself feel more secure? Should I talk to my girlfriend about this? Lack of openness can foster more anxiety in your relationship. Changing styles requires motivation and considerable work — the same required to heal codependency, but you will be more whole as a result. Start by taking the steps suggested in the blog.

How would you describe me if this is our case. My husband is a very loving man and he is loving and understanding and meets my needs, I think he is cute and I like being around him too, I do feel that some times he is too loving and I dont always show being loving but we both do our best to meet our needs.

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I think I have anxious attachment but its leading towards secure attachment with my husband but i never played games to get what i wanted with him. All signs of a good relationship. Hi Darlene, I am currenlty 28 years old and have never been able to maintain a relationship for more than 4 months. I suddenly start feeling completely disconnected from my partner, from a future being in a couple and start to feel accute anxiety all day long which I cannot convey how painful and utterly distressing it is.

I feel panic and dont know why.

Intimacy—and What it Really Means

My partner has done nothing wrong and I am afraid I will never be able to sustain a long term relationship with whatever defense mechanism goes off in my mind. Hi Darlene, thank you so much, I have ordered your books too. Why this pattern for 17 years? Feeling discouraged. Obsessions are often a mental way to cope with powerful feelings that need to be explored and released.

Thank you for this wonderful, informative article! I have a question about the fluidity of attatchment styles and how for me, it really seems to alternate between being anxious and avoidant during the course of the relationship. In the early stages I am very anxious, sure I am not good enough and hopeful that he will truly love me. Along the way it seems that I pull in my feelings and try hard not to care either way games.

I boost up a sort of false confidence which makes them begin to feel anxious towards me and that behavior repels me.

A Q&A with Terry Real

Is this duality typical too? Many people are anxious in the beginning of a relationship, until trust and commitment develop. This is due to the shame you describe. Is It possible that secure attachment change to insecure attachment in marital relationship? There are references at the end of the article. The changes you imply may indicate problems in the relationship that need to be addressed in marital counseling. Once solved, the couple may return to secure attachment style.

Is there a correlation between keeping too much stuff and codependency? If you think you may be codependent you likely are. Attachment style refers to interpersonal relationships not to stuff; however, there is some evidence that cluttering is related to past trauma and is also learned behavior from your family of origin.


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  7. What does it prevent you from doing. Dear Darlene, Thank you. I now maybe? I have anxious attachment and he is an avoidant. We went back to our therapist and he said he wanted us to grow old together, loved me, wanted to connect, etc. Our therapist was even surprised. I blamed his job and stress. I feel betrayed and lied to. Knowing this now, is there a chance our therapist can help us repair our marriage?

    Your feelings are quite understandable.